Apr. 11th, 2012

summersdream: (team bronn)
Oh my god this movie is... I don't even know what this movie is. I don't know what this movie thought itself to be or if the scriptwriters just ran out of crack halfway through and switched to crystal and vodka or what...

Okay so you all know that TITANS came before Gods and thus Hadesmort and co got eated by their dad Cronos while Zeuslan got smuggled off and then came back to kick righteous ass and lo the gods chained the Titans and now a squillion billion years later the gods have gone from numerous and superpowered to three old dudes and Ares in the space of like 10 years because that's how fast it goes? I don't know.

And remember in last movie when Hades was all "I feed on their fear yey!" well I guess he kicked the habit between movies too and is now wasting away with the rest? Why? I don't know. Hades doesn't know. He just did so now he can be scared and be dumb enough to believe their psycho dad who is apparently made of lava and rocks and WRATH OH SO MUCH WRATH RAWWWR.

So Titans are coming out of Tartarus and because humans are either REALLY COMMITTED to this anti-god stance (or are actually too stupid to live) it occurs to none of them, through the entire movie, while they are facing hundred-handers and pegasus and a giant fuckoff titan and monsters that the movie's lsd budget helped make up-- through all of that they do not think to pray to any of the gods who might be hanging out nearby. EXCEPT ARES. Why? BECAUSE ARES THAT'S WHY. AND ARES IS SO ANGREEEEEH. I think he's just bitter that he's the only god with a French accent.

Never mind that Perseus Kraken-slayer and Demi-God extraordinaire is like "Dudes Ares is on the side of Titans and Total Death to All Humans now." Oh no, we'll keep right on praying to him and not to Apollo, Poseidon, Zeus, Aeolus, Dionysius... you know any of the billion possible alternatives. Nope. We're sticking with him because MAYBE THE TITANS ARE GODSDAMNED RIGHT OMG WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE??!

At least Andromeda, who has had a total body make-over and is now someone else and a warrior queen too because why not, is smart and useful. And Poseidon managed to remember at least one of his kids' names and send Perseus off to find him. Also, Perseus named his son Helios. Um. I think he named him Helios because let's be honest dialogue is not this movie's strong suit. So in my head the kid eventually decided dad's "let's be mortal fishermen" was stupid and went off to be the new sun god.

I also really wish someone had given Sam Worthington a haircut. Perseus looks effing goofy with shaggy hair. Like I would have given up two monster scenes for them to CGI his hair out.

SO Um... there was a plot. I don't know what it was and I don't know why the great SPEAR OF TEH GODZ was actually a bomb to throw down Kronos' throat, or why Io got kicked down to Hades between movies, or why Perseus' hair never got burned off...

BUT I will say that Zeus/Hades/Poseidon should just have been the entire plot themselves. They were far more awesome than any other part of this except for Hephaestus who was THE BEST THING EVER OMG. HEPHAESTUS <3 So really we should just have had the gods bitching at each other and throwing thunderbolts and I'd have liked it better. And then Zeuslan and Hadesmort would fight and bond and hug and go off to resurrect Poseidon and the other gods, and Perseus would either marry Andromeda and be King of Greece (lolwhut? Oh movie) or go be a god and hang out rolling his eyes at his family forever.

Anyway it's not a bad movie but catch the matinee, or wait til it's on DVD. Cuz... you don't have enough alcohol for this movie. You really, really don't.

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summersdream

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