summersdream (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summersdream) wrote2011-08-03 06:04 pm
summersdream) wrote2011-08-03 06:04 pm
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A Dance With Dragons
OH MY GOD THIS BOOK THIS BOOK THIS GOD DAMNED BOOK OMG *flails*
I'm going to flail now and it's going to be spoilery so if you haven't finished don't click or click and don't whine, your pick ok?
Ok, I TOTALLY CALLED AEGON WASN'T DEAD. HAH. YEAH BITCHES!
Also, I *DIED* when he had blue hair because that's totally the way the one Targaryen prince in an rpg hid his purply eyes. It was like "Oh, sup, Jaehaerys-- um, Aegon." This may also have resulted in Aegon in my head having the same face as Jaehaerys did in the RPG. Oh well.
I'm really sad that Rhaenys is really dead though. Except for how I trust no one in Westeros so who knows she may turn up because unless 30 people saw you die and then immediately burned your body and then all signed a formal statement that they saw you die and it was notarized by The Father Above himself, I'm just not counting you as dead. Dead people in Westeros seem to have a bitch of a time staying in their damned tombs.
OMG OMG OMG BARRISTAN MOTHERFUCKING SELMY I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE YOU, YOU MAGNIFICENT BADASS WOOBIE KNIGHT. ASHARA/BARRISTAN IS NOW IN MY HEAD FOREVER AND IT IS A THING AND IT IS A REAL THING AND I DUN CURR WHAT YOU THINK.
DAENERYS TARGARYEN WTF IS UP WITH YOU??! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE AN ANGSTY TEEN WITH IDENTITY ISSUES. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO-- oh. FUCK YEAH DOTHRAKI. MY BARBARIAN BITCH DRAGON QUEEN IS BACK. FUCK THIS ASTAPORI SHIT AND BURN THE FUCKERS OUT.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *CRIES REAL TEARS* NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
That is all I can say about Jaime. I am not emotionally stable enough to contemplate where that plot is going right now without sobbing real tears.
QUENTYN!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! *cries*
What is this shit? IS MARTELL THE NEW STARK??! Every time you bitch that A Dream of Spring isn't coming out, GRRM kills aStark Martell? I guess we ran out of Starks...
I mean on one hand I'm sad that Quentyn turned out to be this huge side note but on the other hand I think this may Mean Something but I can't figure it out. Maybe I should reread... I guess obviously that Targaryen blood is a fickle bitch would be one thing but isn't it weird the dragons liked the Ben Plumm guy more and I think it's like his Targaryen blood would be less than Quentyn's... unless Doran's wife sexed up some random Yronwood at some point and oops, Quentyn sorry about that...
But I'm guessing the Targaryens really need that horn that's floating around if they want to play with dragons for serious. And you can only play with one dragon at a time, also. That seems a good lesson.
On the other hand, speaking of Martells, FUCK YEAH SAND SNAKES. I WANT TO SEE NYMERIA GOES TO KINGS LANDING BECAUSE THAT MOVIE WILL BE EPIC. TYENE WILL FUCK THAT HIGH SEPTON'S SHIT UP, YOU KNOW THIS.
Also, what is everyone else's bet that the septa hanging out with Aegon and Griff is Tyene's mama?
TYRION WILL YOU STFU ABOUT WHORES OR JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND GET THE FUCK TO BRAVOS I AM SICK OF YOU WHINING WHILE NOT GOING WHERE ALL THE FAMOUS COURTESANS HANG OUT FFS. OMFG. YOU ARE MAKING ME MISS YOUR EVIL FATHER. AT LEAST HE SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES.
Tyron/Jorah is hilarious. I'm glad Tyrion has a couple friends now. Also, someday in some AU fanfic he will come back and bring Penny and Penny and Sansa will eat lemoncakes and talk about fairy tales all the time and drive Tyrion nuts.
Mmm, I want lemoncakes.
I like Griff, also. Just because. Also, I like calling him Griff because Jon Connington is a lame name.
Sooo... Ashara Dayne had a daughter not a son and it died and we don't know who the dad is? Because I don't trust the way Barristan phrased all that where it could have been his but I think if it was he'd have been like... different about it. I mean, I believe he could get it with Ashara cause dude's a badass buuuut... eh. And Davos and whoever are all like, oh yeah, Jon Snow's mom is that one sailor-girl who was awesome that one time. Which... makes sense actually. Although with all the baby-swapping everybody is always up to up in those kingdoms, it's like the first chapter of Good Omens at the Chattering Order of St Beryl with Baby A and Baby B and Baby C and then they all get swapped around and suddenly there are 2 where there were 3 and it's like well that universe is run by Pratchett and Gaiman so Baby C probably just got adopted off and had a lovely un-apocalyptic life etc... but this is Westeros, sooo...
* Ashara/? had a daughter who died and then Ashara tossed herself off a tower, we get from the Reeds, Cersei, and a few others the rumor that it was Ned/Ashara. Barristan's phrasing could make him the dad and thus a frillion times guilty about it all but at the same time it sounds like it was someone else and he was just being a good night pining off in a corner somewhere.
* Ned/Fishgirl got it on and she had a boy or lots of the northern banner lords seem to think so.
* Ned/Wylla the Wet Nurse which was the story Ned gave Robert, and Edric Dayne had.
Rhaegar/Lyanna had a kid anyway, which Ned apparently wandered off to Starfall with, which could be when he picked up Jon if Jon was not the kid in question. OTOH he could have dropped of RLSpawn and picked up his own.
ADVENTURES IN BABY-SWAPPING BEGIN.
Scenario 1: Ned dropped off R+LSpawn with Ashara (it was a girl) and took their kid (the one Wylla was nursing formerly) north. The RLSpawn died and Asha jumped, etc. Jon is Ashara's kid.
Scenario 2: Ned takes RLSpawn to Starfall along with Arthur's sword and whatnot. Finds out Ashara's had his kid. Wigs, cause he is married. Heads on north with RLSpawn and his and Ashara's daughter dies. Ashara jumps. Ned proceeds to freak the fuck out on people who talk shit on Ashara or say that Jon is her kid. Jon is RLSpawn.
Scenario 3: Ned actually did get it on with a random Dayne servant (when? no idea) AND random sailor girl AND Ashara Dayne. Are you done laughing yet? Yeah, me either.
Scenario 4: Ned had a crush on Ashara, she had one on his bro and had a kid with Brandon. Ned got it on with a cute serving girl cause Robert probably said it was a good idea. Ash/Bran kid dies, Ned/Wylla kid lives, Ned takes his kid and the RLSpawn north, drops either his or the RLspawn with cute sailor girl who helped him that one other time or maybe somewhere else as yet undetermined. Jon could be either one.
Scenario 5: We don't have a Dayne family tree, so Edric Dayne's parentage is undetermined. This version would involve a variant on Scenario 1 where Ned/Ash kid died, but Ashara's bro or sister (since Daynes would fall under Dornish inheritance laws) adopted RLSpawn as theirs making Edric Dayne the lost Targaryen and leaving Jon Snow as either Ned/Wylla or Ned/Sailorgirl. This one is really cool but sadly doesn't work cause Edric is two years too young. Sad day.
It's like Starfall General Maternity Ward up in here. I mean, it's cool to think Jon is RLSpawn and I'll go with it but... well, it may not matter any more anyway. AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-- um ahem, I mean... :( Poor Jon.
Will Melisandre use sorcery to save his ass or will he rise again as a Benjen-style other, all really cool and unimpressed with this Otherness bullshit?
By the way, which is creepier: mindless wights or ones that walk around being totally okay except for funny-colored hands and DEADNESS? Or worse the ones that REMEMBER?
I mean, UnBenjen makes that whole Night's King story a little more clear buuuuut... um. CREEPY FUCKING DEAD THINGS.
JON FOR THE SECOND NIGHT'S KING!! WHEEE!!! Him and Melisandre can be FIRE AND ICE FOR REALZ.
BRAN IS WATCHING YOU, JON.
HE IS WATCHING US ALL.
ARE WE SURE HE IS NOT TALKING TO THE DEAD PEOPLE??!
WEIRWOODS: NOW WITH 100 TIMES MORE CREEPINESS!!
MOM, THE TREES ARE WATCHING ME AGAIN!!
I'm also creeped out with the whole talking ravens idea. CAN YOU FUCKING PICTURE THAT SHIT? VOICEMAIL VIA A FUCKING CREEPY HUGE TERRIFYINGLY SMART BIRD. WTAF?
Melisandre is an actual human! WHO KNEW??!
I was totally impressed with her not burning Mance, and not really being all that interested in tossing babies into flames. HOWEVER. Hooker is still a creepy bitch. And dead wrong on her readings, cause if Stannis is the Prince Who Was Promised, Westeros should sue for a breach of contract.
RAMSAY BOLTON IS A FUCKING CREEPY MONSTROSITY UNNATURAL ICKY CREEPER MCCREEPERSON. DIAF RAMSAY. D.I.A.F. YOU TOO, ROOSE.
Stannis never read about the Donner party when he was in school. Oops.
OMG JEYNE I AM SO SORRY BB. And Theon... you're still a DUMBASS.
ASHA, GO KILL RAMSAY.
Look, Westeros there are only two books left in this series, and if Ramsay Snow doesn't die in the next one I will have no faith in humanity or otherness or Rhllor or Old Gods or New.
Cersei walking naked through the streets was awful... except I think she somehow came out of it EXACTLY THE SAME. Only Cersei could be given like the most humiliating punishment and then be like it never happened. I'm not sure that's a compliment to her.
KEVANNNN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Varys Story was kind of epic awesome though. I like Varys. I also like Illyrio... even if it's really fucked up to keep your dead wife's mummified hands around. But on the sliding scale of Fucked Up Things To Do In Westeros it's... really not that bad. Which is saying something.
I'm just happy that SOMEONE FINALLY READ A BOOK!! IT ONLY TOOK US FIVE BOOKS FOR SOMEONE TO READ STUFF AND TALK ABOUT IT!!
Sooo... as of the end of A Dance with Dragons we are left with...
Littlefinger hanging out in the Eyrie/Riverlands. Dorne scheming for Daenerys and/or Aegon. King's Landing about to go straight to hell now that Varys offed Kevan on behalf of Dany/Aegon/Anyone-Who-Isn't-A-Lannister. Tyrells are still joined with Lannister but we know that shit's doomed because Cersei's crazy cannot be stopped by men or gods. The north's a fucking mess with zombies slithering south and Standor the Burninator off freezing to death or whatever he's up to. The one person with a clue at the Wall was Jon and they just stabbed him so that's fucked... Euron's apparently still being a pirate ass... king or whatever. Jaime's disappeared (OMGOMGOMGOMGICANNOT I JUST CANNOT WITH THIS)... Bran is turning into a tree.
Predictions:
Dany smiles and waves at the Dothraki Khal who was her hubby's bloodrider and is like "Flame on" and then the dragon flambees the khal and Dany is all "I'm doing this shit Necromonger style. I AM YOUR KHAL NOW, BITCHES."
She will then proceed to go ransack the everloving fuck out of those pansy ass Mereen/Astapori bitches. Those not already shitting blood will proceed to do so once Dothraki boots are up their asses.
This will then lead to a glorious slave revolution as she sails off toward Westeros just randomly letting Drogon fly off to burn the shit out of nearby cities containing slavers. No more fucking apologetic bullshit, Dany. I don't want to read it. If I wanted whining, I'd vote for resurrecting Jon.
MEANWHILE, Aegon pummels the shit out of Storms End and will proceed to march his cute teen dragonlord ass on north toward Dragonstone and King's Landing because Stannis is freezing his balls off elsewhere, the Tyrells are trying to kick Ironborn off the west coast, and Cersei can't win a war against Margaery, so really? Also, lost princes whose dads were epic and all that make for awesome songs and songs are important... like commercials. And hey it worked for Bonnie Prince Charlie, right? FUCK YOU, HIGH SEPTON CROMWELL.
BACK AT THE WALL, Jon rises again as a zombie ColdHands style and proceeds to avenge himself and goes all Nights King on the traitors. He and Melisandre combine the powers of Ice and Fire and the world ends.
... Ok ok, he probably won't die. Emo never dies. Or he'll live in Ghost which will be weird. The idiot Nights Watch guys will start double-crossing the Wildlings, the resulting war shatters the wall, all the undead shit comes south with a free pass and the North is officially Always Winter But Never Christmas like Her Majesty Jadis always intended.
IN THE NORTH, NOW CALLED NORTH WEAREFUCKEDISTAN, Asha, Theon and a few ragged survivors of Stannis' army get the fuck out of dodge and have to figure out whether to take on Ramsay or Euron and try to decide which one will be the most gloriously fucked proposition.
SOUTH WEAREFUCKEDISTAN, Nymeria hangs out on the council and Cersei's crazy just keeps getting worse everytime Nymeria wears a transparent dress, which is pretty much 24/7 because HBO will love that shit. Tyene poisons everyone in the Great Sept and gets herself elected High Septon by right of survivorship. Aegon attacks Kings Landing and the Sand Snakes just saunter over and open the doors to let him in. Shit proceeds to get real. Tyrells freak the fuck out and either go with bending the knee or saying fuck you all and heading off to deal with Euron, which is a totally worse problem.
IN DORNE, Doran mourns his son who was totally unDragon and died over it, and Arianne gets distracted from sleeping with Aegon by becoming Princess.
IN THE EYRIE, Littlefinger remains creepy. My guess is he will either go with Aegon or hang back with some popcorn til Dany gets there because he likes girls better than boys. OR he will be taking over the north by giving all the really unhappy banners an alternative to Lord Roose And the Fucking Creepy Bastard Brigade.
Anyway, back to TOTALLY REASONABLE FANGIRLING
SIDE NOTE: MALLISTERS FUCKING ROCK. Four and twenty Frey fuckers baked in a pie. XD I should not lolz at cannibalism but it's just Freys. It's like eating rats, tbh. I also loved their hall and all the details.
Davos was and is awesome.
I also find the banker guy hilarious and scary. Especially with that hat on.
OH AND ARYAAAAA!!! Oh boy, that kid's going to be dangerous. And can apparently randomly warg cats already. THIS WILL END WELL FOR EVERYONE.
I'm going to flail now and it's going to be spoilery so if you haven't finished don't click or click and don't whine, your pick ok?
Ok, I TOTALLY CALLED AEGON WASN'T DEAD. HAH. YEAH BITCHES!
Also, I *DIED* when he had blue hair because that's totally the way the one Targaryen prince in an rpg hid his purply eyes. It was like "Oh, sup, Jaehaerys-- um, Aegon." This may also have resulted in Aegon in my head having the same face as Jaehaerys did in the RPG. Oh well.
I'm really sad that Rhaenys is really dead though. Except for how I trust no one in Westeros so who knows she may turn up because unless 30 people saw you die and then immediately burned your body and then all signed a formal statement that they saw you die and it was notarized by The Father Above himself, I'm just not counting you as dead. Dead people in Westeros seem to have a bitch of a time staying in their damned tombs.
OMG OMG OMG BARRISTAN MOTHERFUCKING SELMY I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE YOU, YOU MAGNIFICENT BADASS WOOBIE KNIGHT. ASHARA/BARRISTAN IS NOW IN MY HEAD FOREVER AND IT IS A THING AND IT IS A REAL THING AND I DUN CURR WHAT YOU THINK.
DAENERYS TARGARYEN WTF IS UP WITH YOU??! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE AN ANGSTY TEEN WITH IDENTITY ISSUES. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO-- oh. FUCK YEAH DOTHRAKI. MY BARBARIAN BITCH DRAGON QUEEN IS BACK. FUCK THIS ASTAPORI SHIT AND BURN THE FUCKERS OUT.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *CRIES REAL TEARS* NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
That is all I can say about Jaime. I am not emotionally stable enough to contemplate where that plot is going right now without sobbing real tears.
QUENTYN!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! *cries*
What is this shit? IS MARTELL THE NEW STARK??! Every time you bitch that A Dream of Spring isn't coming out, GRRM kills a
I mean on one hand I'm sad that Quentyn turned out to be this huge side note but on the other hand I think this may Mean Something but I can't figure it out. Maybe I should reread... I guess obviously that Targaryen blood is a fickle bitch would be one thing but isn't it weird the dragons liked the Ben Plumm guy more and I think it's like his Targaryen blood would be less than Quentyn's... unless Doran's wife sexed up some random Yronwood at some point and oops, Quentyn sorry about that...
But I'm guessing the Targaryens really need that horn that's floating around if they want to play with dragons for serious. And you can only play with one dragon at a time, also. That seems a good lesson.
On the other hand, speaking of Martells, FUCK YEAH SAND SNAKES. I WANT TO SEE NYMERIA GOES TO KINGS LANDING BECAUSE THAT MOVIE WILL BE EPIC. TYENE WILL FUCK THAT HIGH SEPTON'S SHIT UP, YOU KNOW THIS.
Also, what is everyone else's bet that the septa hanging out with Aegon and Griff is Tyene's mama?
TYRION WILL YOU STFU ABOUT WHORES OR JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND GET THE FUCK TO BRAVOS I AM SICK OF YOU WHINING WHILE NOT GOING WHERE ALL THE FAMOUS COURTESANS HANG OUT FFS. OMFG. YOU ARE MAKING ME MISS YOUR EVIL FATHER. AT LEAST HE SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES.
Tyron/Jorah is hilarious. I'm glad Tyrion has a couple friends now. Also, someday in some AU fanfic he will come back and bring Penny and Penny and Sansa will eat lemoncakes and talk about fairy tales all the time and drive Tyrion nuts.
Mmm, I want lemoncakes.
I like Griff, also. Just because. Also, I like calling him Griff because Jon Connington is a lame name.
Sooo... Ashara Dayne had a daughter not a son and it died and we don't know who the dad is? Because I don't trust the way Barristan phrased all that where it could have been his but I think if it was he'd have been like... different about it. I mean, I believe he could get it with Ashara cause dude's a badass buuuut... eh. And Davos and whoever are all like, oh yeah, Jon Snow's mom is that one sailor-girl who was awesome that one time. Which... makes sense actually. Although with all the baby-swapping everybody is always up to up in those kingdoms, it's like the first chapter of Good Omens at the Chattering Order of St Beryl with Baby A and Baby B and Baby C and then they all get swapped around and suddenly there are 2 where there were 3 and it's like well that universe is run by Pratchett and Gaiman so Baby C probably just got adopted off and had a lovely un-apocalyptic life etc... but this is Westeros, sooo...
* Ashara/? had a daughter who died and then Ashara tossed herself off a tower, we get from the Reeds, Cersei, and a few others the rumor that it was Ned/Ashara. Barristan's phrasing could make him the dad and thus a frillion times guilty about it all but at the same time it sounds like it was someone else and he was just being a good night pining off in a corner somewhere.
* Ned/Fishgirl got it on and she had a boy or lots of the northern banner lords seem to think so.
* Ned/Wylla the Wet Nurse which was the story Ned gave Robert, and Edric Dayne had.
Rhaegar/Lyanna had a kid anyway, which Ned apparently wandered off to Starfall with, which could be when he picked up Jon if Jon was not the kid in question. OTOH he could have dropped of RLSpawn and picked up his own.
ADVENTURES IN BABY-SWAPPING BEGIN.
Scenario 1: Ned dropped off R+LSpawn with Ashara (it was a girl) and took their kid (the one Wylla was nursing formerly) north. The RLSpawn died and Asha jumped, etc. Jon is Ashara's kid.
Scenario 2: Ned takes RLSpawn to Starfall along with Arthur's sword and whatnot. Finds out Ashara's had his kid. Wigs, cause he is married. Heads on north with RLSpawn and his and Ashara's daughter dies. Ashara jumps. Ned proceeds to freak the fuck out on people who talk shit on Ashara or say that Jon is her kid. Jon is RLSpawn.
Scenario 3: Ned actually did get it on with a random Dayne servant (when? no idea) AND random sailor girl AND Ashara Dayne. Are you done laughing yet? Yeah, me either.
Scenario 4: Ned had a crush on Ashara, she had one on his bro and had a kid with Brandon. Ned got it on with a cute serving girl cause Robert probably said it was a good idea. Ash/Bran kid dies, Ned/Wylla kid lives, Ned takes his kid and the RLSpawn north, drops either his or the RLspawn with cute sailor girl who helped him that one other time or maybe somewhere else as yet undetermined. Jon could be either one.
Scenario 5: We don't have a Dayne family tree, so Edric Dayne's parentage is undetermined. This version would involve a variant on Scenario 1 where Ned/Ash kid died, but Ashara's bro or sister (since Daynes would fall under Dornish inheritance laws) adopted RLSpawn as theirs making Edric Dayne the lost Targaryen and leaving Jon Snow as either Ned/Wylla or Ned/Sailorgirl. This one is really cool but sadly doesn't work cause Edric is two years too young. Sad day.
It's like Starfall General Maternity Ward up in here. I mean, it's cool to think Jon is RLSpawn and I'll go with it but... well, it may not matter any more anyway. AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-- um ahem, I mean... :( Poor Jon.
Will Melisandre use sorcery to save his ass or will he rise again as a Benjen-style other, all really cool and unimpressed with this Otherness bullshit?
By the way, which is creepier: mindless wights or ones that walk around being totally okay except for funny-colored hands and DEADNESS? Or worse the ones that REMEMBER?
I mean, UnBenjen makes that whole Night's King story a little more clear buuuuut... um. CREEPY FUCKING DEAD THINGS.
JON FOR THE SECOND NIGHT'S KING!! WHEEE!!! Him and Melisandre can be FIRE AND ICE FOR REALZ.
BRAN IS WATCHING YOU, JON.
HE IS WATCHING US ALL.
ARE WE SURE HE IS NOT TALKING TO THE DEAD PEOPLE??!
WEIRWOODS: NOW WITH 100 TIMES MORE CREEPINESS!!
MOM, THE TREES ARE WATCHING ME AGAIN!!
I'm also creeped out with the whole talking ravens idea. CAN YOU FUCKING PICTURE THAT SHIT? VOICEMAIL VIA A FUCKING CREEPY HUGE TERRIFYINGLY SMART BIRD. WTAF?
Melisandre is an actual human! WHO KNEW??!
I was totally impressed with her not burning Mance, and not really being all that interested in tossing babies into flames. HOWEVER. Hooker is still a creepy bitch. And dead wrong on her readings, cause if Stannis is the Prince Who Was Promised, Westeros should sue for a breach of contract.
RAMSAY BOLTON IS A FUCKING CREEPY MONSTROSITY UNNATURAL ICKY CREEPER MCCREEPERSON. DIAF RAMSAY. D.I.A.F. YOU TOO, ROOSE.
Stannis never read about the Donner party when he was in school. Oops.
OMG JEYNE I AM SO SORRY BB. And Theon... you're still a DUMBASS.
ASHA, GO KILL RAMSAY.
Look, Westeros there are only two books left in this series, and if Ramsay Snow doesn't die in the next one I will have no faith in humanity or otherness or Rhllor or Old Gods or New.
Cersei walking naked through the streets was awful... except I think she somehow came out of it EXACTLY THE SAME. Only Cersei could be given like the most humiliating punishment and then be like it never happened. I'm not sure that's a compliment to her.
KEVANNNN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Varys Story was kind of epic awesome though. I like Varys. I also like Illyrio... even if it's really fucked up to keep your dead wife's mummified hands around. But on the sliding scale of Fucked Up Things To Do In Westeros it's... really not that bad. Which is saying something.
I'm just happy that SOMEONE FINALLY READ A BOOK!! IT ONLY TOOK US FIVE BOOKS FOR SOMEONE TO READ STUFF AND TALK ABOUT IT!!
Sooo... as of the end of A Dance with Dragons we are left with...
Littlefinger hanging out in the Eyrie/Riverlands. Dorne scheming for Daenerys and/or Aegon. King's Landing about to go straight to hell now that Varys offed Kevan on behalf of Dany/Aegon/Anyone-Who-Isn't-A-Lannister. Tyrells are still joined with Lannister but we know that shit's doomed because Cersei's crazy cannot be stopped by men or gods. The north's a fucking mess with zombies slithering south and Standor the Burninator off freezing to death or whatever he's up to. The one person with a clue at the Wall was Jon and they just stabbed him so that's fucked... Euron's apparently still being a pirate ass... king or whatever. Jaime's disappeared (OMGOMGOMGOMGICANNOT I JUST CANNOT WITH THIS)... Bran is turning into a tree.
Predictions:
Dany smiles and waves at the Dothraki Khal who was her hubby's bloodrider and is like "Flame on" and then the dragon flambees the khal and Dany is all "I'm doing this shit Necromonger style. I AM YOUR KHAL NOW, BITCHES."
She will then proceed to go ransack the everloving fuck out of those pansy ass Mereen/Astapori bitches. Those not already shitting blood will proceed to do so once Dothraki boots are up their asses.
This will then lead to a glorious slave revolution as she sails off toward Westeros just randomly letting Drogon fly off to burn the shit out of nearby cities containing slavers. No more fucking apologetic bullshit, Dany. I don't want to read it. If I wanted whining, I'd vote for resurrecting Jon.
MEANWHILE, Aegon pummels the shit out of Storms End and will proceed to march his cute teen dragonlord ass on north toward Dragonstone and King's Landing because Stannis is freezing his balls off elsewhere, the Tyrells are trying to kick Ironborn off the west coast, and Cersei can't win a war against Margaery, so really? Also, lost princes whose dads were epic and all that make for awesome songs and songs are important... like commercials. And hey it worked for Bonnie Prince Charlie, right? FUCK YOU, HIGH SEPTON CROMWELL.
BACK AT THE WALL, Jon rises again as a zombie ColdHands style and proceeds to avenge himself and goes all Nights King on the traitors. He and Melisandre combine the powers of Ice and Fire and the world ends.
... Ok ok, he probably won't die. Emo never dies. Or he'll live in Ghost which will be weird. The idiot Nights Watch guys will start double-crossing the Wildlings, the resulting war shatters the wall, all the undead shit comes south with a free pass and the North is officially Always Winter But Never Christmas like Her Majesty Jadis always intended.
IN THE NORTH, NOW CALLED NORTH WEAREFUCKEDISTAN, Asha, Theon and a few ragged survivors of Stannis' army get the fuck out of dodge and have to figure out whether to take on Ramsay or Euron and try to decide which one will be the most gloriously fucked proposition.
SOUTH WEAREFUCKEDISTAN, Nymeria hangs out on the council and Cersei's crazy just keeps getting worse everytime Nymeria wears a transparent dress, which is pretty much 24/7 because HBO will love that shit. Tyene poisons everyone in the Great Sept and gets herself elected High Septon by right of survivorship. Aegon attacks Kings Landing and the Sand Snakes just saunter over and open the doors to let him in. Shit proceeds to get real. Tyrells freak the fuck out and either go with bending the knee or saying fuck you all and heading off to deal with Euron, which is a totally worse problem.
IN DORNE, Doran mourns his son who was totally unDragon and died over it, and Arianne gets distracted from sleeping with Aegon by becoming Princess.
IN THE EYRIE, Littlefinger remains creepy. My guess is he will either go with Aegon or hang back with some popcorn til Dany gets there because he likes girls better than boys. OR he will be taking over the north by giving all the really unhappy banners an alternative to Lord Roose And the Fucking Creepy Bastard Brigade.
Anyway, back to TOTALLY REASONABLE FANGIRLING
SIDE NOTE: MALLISTERS FUCKING ROCK. Four and twenty Frey fuckers baked in a pie. XD I should not lolz at cannibalism but it's just Freys. It's like eating rats, tbh. I also loved their hall and all the details.
Davos was and is awesome.
I also find the banker guy hilarious and scary. Especially with that hat on.
OH AND ARYAAAAA!!! Oh boy, that kid's going to be dangerous. And can apparently randomly warg cats already. THIS WILL END WELL FOR EVERYONE.
no subject
I was mad they killed Quentyn, no lie.
FUCK YES SAND SNAAAAKES
OMFG AEGON IS ALIVE I CANNOT FUCKING EVEN. SO EXCITE.
We better kill us some Ramsay SNOW.
Jon *wibbles*
Daenerys, did you lose your balls? Pls to get them back. You have never been nothing.
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I put the book down when Quentyn died. I kept thinking he'd pull it off with the white dragon but then... that happened. But I guess it makes the point of even Targaryens not being totally fireproof and how you have to be really careful- like if Dany wasn't their mom they would probably have eaten her already.
I think those rabbit ears of hers went to her head. She needs to knock that shit off and get her balls back fast. Which is what I am going to pretend is happening at that last page until the next book proves me wrong. *puts on rose-tinted glasses*
My jaw DROPPED at the Jon thing. I know, I know, no one is actually safe (except possibly Tyrion) but DAMN.
I'm never calling Ramsay a Bolton. I want him and UnGregor to go straight to a chopping block.
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Dany and Tyrion disappointed me in this book. They did hardly anything but angst. If Dany doesn't take her dragon to take back the khalassar and kick some Yunkai asses in the next book, I'll be very disappointed.
Somehow I'm sure Melisandre will save Jon. This might however be the way for Martin to get Jon to leave the wall? And maybe Ghost can help Asha rip out Ramsay's throat ... I mostly just want Jeyne to get away alive though. Poor girl.
I still can't believe they killed Kevan though. As cool as Varys is, Kevan was the only sensible Lannister in town, and I shall miss him. o_o
I'm curious what they're planning with Aegon. The priestress warned Dany off a mummer's dragon...
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OMG I WAS SO SICK OF TYRION'S ANGST. And Dany needed to lose those damn rabbit ears. I totally expect her to take back the Khalasar because... bitch got a giant bad-tempered dragon. HORSES DONT WIN THAT FIGHT.
BEST PART OF THIS: SHE WILL TAKE OUT MEEREEN WITH BELLS ON FOR REAL.
Jeyne! He froze off the tip of her nose!!! Like her life didn't suck enough, GRRM??!
I am okay with Jon dying and having been one gigantic fake out. He really WAS just Ned's bastard. That would be awesome. For me. Not for anyone else probably, but for me.
House Lannister is so screwed now. Cersei's crazy is going to get them all crowned Viserys style.
I think Quaithe was warning her off following him or going straight to him, maybe? She still needs two people for those extra dragons to bond with though. I don't know... I could see where Dany and Aegon teaming up immediately would be bad for both of them in the long run- especially because neither one of them actually knows WTF to do with a dragon or how to actually train one. They need a cheerful animated film for that! ahem. Sorry. >.>
I can see Dany and Aegon either bringing on their own civil war or treaming up for pure awesomeness but not until the very last possible second. And then things will explode. A lot.
I did like Aegon though. At least thus far he seems like a Dany kind of Targaryen as opposed to a Fail!Targ.
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It has to be said, I have never read any of ASOIAF, (shocking, as a fantasy fan working in a bookshop) but how fantastically excited you are about it makes me want to. I shall buy AGOT tomorrow, and blame you if it's crap!
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I bet you like it! I mean, it gets slow in places in Game of Thrones and the 2nd one but then Storm of Swords is like FUCK YEAH I LOVE THIS BOOK I HATE THIS BOOK OH GOD MY EMOTIONS DONT LEAVE MEEEEE BABY I LOVE YOU
And Feast for Crows is all OUR LOVE CAN NEVER DIE
And Dragons is like... I LOVE YOU LETS BE ZOMBIES TOGETHER
Game of Thrones is actually teh slowest book of all though. Like I know some of my friends had a hard time getting through it, but if you can make it and pick up the second one, you start seeing the pieces falling into place and it gets soooo addictive. Like freebasing cocaine only with CAPSLOCK and caffeine kind of. >.>