John Carter of Mars
Jun. 21st, 2012 12:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
summersdreamI didn't think this movie could suck as much as the reviews said it did, and I was right. It was worse.
Taylor Kitsch is adorable and likeable but I don't know if it's just that the director couldn't work with him or wtf happened but he was about as appealing as a piece of cardboard the entire time. Which is a problem when he's supposed to be the hero of a massive sprawling epic. It wasn't that bad until James Purefoy appeared to rescue Carter and Carter was so useless that Captain Puresex had to take himself captive with his own sword and OH MY GOD it was hilarious and perfect and WHY WASNT HE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE??! Because suddenly he was there and lighting up Mars, the screen, my loins etc and it was like "Oh my god I forgot watching this terrible movie what it felt like to enjoy a movie! Wait! Where are you going, James Purefoy??! NUUUUU Don't leave us with Useless Hero!!!"
James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds made everything awesome everytime they showed up but sadly it made the woeful inadequacy of the main characters just that much worse and I really want Caesar And Antony Of Mars- it would be an amazing action buddy pic and there would be snark and perfection as they lead the ridiculously named Helium to victory against King Snarlsalot over there.
Meanwhile, we're all stuck watching Cardboard Carter and Poor Man's Megan Fox run around and the only being I really gave a damn about was the spunky frog-dog thing. I liked the frog-dog! But when the cute animal sidekick is the most charismatic thing in the main cast you have a slight problem.
Seriously this thing had Ciaran Hinds, Polly Walker, James Purefoy, Dominic West, Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church... like tons of amazing and even semi-amazing actors and all of them manage about a billion times more charisma and coolness than the main characters.
Plus, even my husband remarked on the amazing multi-size boobs belonging to Deja, who I kept calling Poor Man's Megan Fox anyway and it's true- the costume department was blatantly padding then un-padding her chest depending on the scene and it was just really damn weird. As was the wedding dress. Although to be honest nothing could salvage Deja- I was hoping fervently for her painful and terrifying death from the moment she started whining about having to marry for the good of teh citeh. FFS CAN WE NOT WITH THIS TROPE??! So she runs off like a brat because despite being some kind of brilliant technology developer and scholar or whatever she CANNOT WED WITHOUT LUUUVE NUUUU! Sigh. Look, can we all agree that if she was 15 this would be believable but as a mid-twenties-ish princess she would probably stfu and do her duty? Couldn't there at least have been some whiff of "oh crap he's goign to kill me on the wedding night because I know how to make the Magical Blue Shiny Things!" No? We're really going to go with "I cannot liiiiiive without loooooooooooove!" ?? I hate you, scriptwriter.
I am sad because Deja is actually the same actress who played the fun waitress Dawn in True Blood and I liked her in that but in this movie she sucked. I want to blame the script and the director, tbh.
Meanwhile, John Cardboard of Mars is her love interest and he's just good at Mario jumping around like a demented video game bunny and looking vaguely annoyed. And at abandoning his sort-of-adopted green alien foster-mom person.
And while we are at that, how are aliens who hatch from eggs and raised by whichever female pickes them out of the hatchling ceremony even that damn familiar with the concept of genetic-parents? And why would they give a fuck? Like what in the hell made this a good idea for motivation? Within their culture wouldn't just having raised a kid be like 'parental' enough...? I do not get this business. Because it's a whole big deal in the movie about who foster-alien-mom's actual parents are when it seems like they'd all be more confused by that whole idea.
Basically whoever did this screenplay needs their ass kicked back into a writing class. Let's be incredibly obvious and clichee!! YEY! There has seriously got to be a better way to do Edgar Rice Burroughs stories than this because this almost makes that Traci Lords Syfy pic Princess of Mars look watchable. BLARGH.
The good points of this movie are basically that it is pretty, and the frog-dog and James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds. And, I'll give it credit because it is REALLY DAMN PRETTY. It just sucks at pretty much everything else.
So um, in conclusion: I do not recommend watching this movie, but if you must watch it then start drinking before the movie starts. It would probably be better viewed through a haze of alcohol.
Taylor Kitsch is adorable and likeable but I don't know if it's just that the director couldn't work with him or wtf happened but he was about as appealing as a piece of cardboard the entire time. Which is a problem when he's supposed to be the hero of a massive sprawling epic. It wasn't that bad until James Purefoy appeared to rescue Carter and Carter was so useless that Captain Puresex had to take himself captive with his own sword and OH MY GOD it was hilarious and perfect and WHY WASNT HE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE??! Because suddenly he was there and lighting up Mars, the screen, my loins etc and it was like "Oh my god I forgot watching this terrible movie what it felt like to enjoy a movie! Wait! Where are you going, James Purefoy??! NUUUUU Don't leave us with Useless Hero!!!"
James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds made everything awesome everytime they showed up but sadly it made the woeful inadequacy of the main characters just that much worse and I really want Caesar And Antony Of Mars- it would be an amazing action buddy pic and there would be snark and perfection as they lead the ridiculously named Helium to victory against King Snarlsalot over there.
Meanwhile, we're all stuck watching Cardboard Carter and Poor Man's Megan Fox run around and the only being I really gave a damn about was the spunky frog-dog thing. I liked the frog-dog! But when the cute animal sidekick is the most charismatic thing in the main cast you have a slight problem.
Seriously this thing had Ciaran Hinds, Polly Walker, James Purefoy, Dominic West, Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church... like tons of amazing and even semi-amazing actors and all of them manage about a billion times more charisma and coolness than the main characters.
Plus, even my husband remarked on the amazing multi-size boobs belonging to Deja, who I kept calling Poor Man's Megan Fox anyway and it's true- the costume department was blatantly padding then un-padding her chest depending on the scene and it was just really damn weird. As was the wedding dress. Although to be honest nothing could salvage Deja- I was hoping fervently for her painful and terrifying death from the moment she started whining about having to marry for the good of teh citeh. FFS CAN WE NOT WITH THIS TROPE??! So she runs off like a brat because despite being some kind of brilliant technology developer and scholar or whatever she CANNOT WED WITHOUT LUUUVE NUUUU! Sigh. Look, can we all agree that if she was 15 this would be believable but as a mid-twenties-ish princess she would probably stfu and do her duty? Couldn't there at least have been some whiff of "oh crap he's goign to kill me on the wedding night because I know how to make the Magical Blue Shiny Things!" No? We're really going to go with "I cannot liiiiiive without loooooooooooove!" ?? I hate you, scriptwriter.
I am sad because Deja is actually the same actress who played the fun waitress Dawn in True Blood and I liked her in that but in this movie she sucked. I want to blame the script and the director, tbh.
Meanwhile, John Cardboard of Mars is her love interest and he's just good at Mario jumping around like a demented video game bunny and looking vaguely annoyed. And at abandoning his sort-of-adopted green alien foster-mom person.
And while we are at that, how are aliens who hatch from eggs and raised by whichever female pickes them out of the hatchling ceremony even that damn familiar with the concept of genetic-parents? And why would they give a fuck? Like what in the hell made this a good idea for motivation? Within their culture wouldn't just having raised a kid be like 'parental' enough...? I do not get this business. Because it's a whole big deal in the movie about who foster-alien-mom's actual parents are when it seems like they'd all be more confused by that whole idea.
Basically whoever did this screenplay needs their ass kicked back into a writing class. Let's be incredibly obvious and clichee!! YEY! There has seriously got to be a better way to do Edgar Rice Burroughs stories than this because this almost makes that Traci Lords Syfy pic Princess of Mars look watchable. BLARGH.
The good points of this movie are basically that it is pretty, and the frog-dog and James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds. And, I'll give it credit because it is REALLY DAMN PRETTY. It just sucks at pretty much everything else.
So um, in conclusion: I do not recommend watching this movie, but if you must watch it then start drinking before the movie starts. It would probably be better viewed through a haze of alcohol.
